My Big Fight With Kagome
by Lady Lirimaer Malfoy
Summary: The entire cast of 'Inuyasha' decides to hold a contest to see whether or not Lirimaer is fit to take Kaogme's place in the group. ****NOT FOR KAGOME LOVERS****
1. Part 1

Setting: Kagome is standing a few feet away from Kaede's hut. Her face is very pink and she is looking - no make that glaring - at a 5'2" tall, light-brown haired girl with gray eyes and tan skin. The girl (me) is wearing blue flare jeans and a white tank top with a leather jacket over it and her hair is down. Kagome's wearing her normal Sailor Scout attire with her hair in it's not-so-original poof ball. They are surrounded by the entire cast of 'Inuyasha', including the random villagers.  
  
Kagome: You are such the witch!   
  
Lirimaer: Look who's talking! At least I don't s-word Inuyasha every time he gets on my nerves!  
  
Kagome: I do not! He just gets to touchy - feely with Kikyo!  
  
Lirimaer: Who, might I add, is so much prettier then you. And is it his fault? He did love her first.   
  
Kikyo smirks off to the side.  
  
Kagome: (Her face turning red) You may not add that and I would like to add that I'm a lot prettier then you so you can just kiss my ***! [Everyone covers the ears of any children that might be near them]  
  
Lirimaer: Watch the language. (points to Shippo) And you wonder where he learns this stuff.  
  
Kagome: SHIPPO! Have you come to cheer me on?  
  
Shippo: No. Why would I do that? I love Liri-chan! (Hops onto my shoulder)  
  
Kagome: Shippy?  
  
Lirimaer: Your eyes are starting to turn red. Did you know that?  
  
Kagome: Shut up! You have now caused me to lose my boyfriend and my adopted son.  
  
Lirimaer: Who ever said that Inuyasha was your boyfriend?  
  
Inuyasha: Yes. Please enlighten us.  
  
Kagome: Stop messing with my head! Stop trying to change the subject! We came out here to argue about who was better to be in the show as Inuyasha's closest companion!  
  
Kikyo: I have to admit that Lirimaer seems to be wining this one.  
  
Random Villager: I agree.  
  
Kagome: Is everyone against me today?!?  
  
Everyone on the side lines mumbles to each other. After a few minutes in which Kagome and Lirimaer have a staring contest (Lirimaer wins) the whole cast choruses: YES!  
  
Kaede: We should continue this battle of wills anyways.  
  
Kagome: Thank you Kaede! You still have a brain!  
  
Kaede: No. This is just funny to watch your face turn different colors.  
  
Kouga: I think that you should go back to your world and be mates with that Hobo guy. Or was it Hoko? Maybe it was Homo? (walks off talking to himself)  
  
Kagome: HIS NAME IS HOJO!!  
  
Shippo: Whatever.  
  
Lirimaer: The point is that no one here likes you anymore. They want a miko that can turn people into firewood and toads.  
  
Shippo: You can do that?  
  
Lirimaer: WELL. . . I'm on the verge of being able to do that. Give it another week or two and I will have the spell up 'n' running!  
  
Inuyasha: I could have you turn Sessho-maru into a piece of firewood? COOL!!!!  
  
Lirimaer: You might want him as a toad so that you can keep him as a pet and torture him with pink bows and the like.  
  
Sessho-maru: Lirimaer, I know that I'm supposed to be on your side and all, but I must insist that you stop putting those types of ideas into my brother's head.  
  
Kagome: Yes! Stop putting ideas about your so-called talents into Inu-chan's head!   
  
Inuyasha: DON'T CALL ME INU-CHAN!  
  
All of the random villagers and villains start to snicker.  
  
Kikyo: I get to call him Inu-chan.  
  
Lirimaer: Same here.  
  
Kagome: Shut up! We are straying from the subject again!  
  
Kouga walks back into the throng.  
  
Kouga: I've got it! His name was Hoyo!  
  
Everyone: NO! HIS NAME IS HOJO!!!!  
  
Hojo walks into the center of the circle.  
  
Hojo: Thank you to everyone that remembered my name. I seem to be having trouble with people remembering it.   
  
Lirimaer (muttering): I wonder why. . .  
  
Hojo: What was that?  
  
Lirimaer: I said I can't imagine why!  
  
Kagome: CAN YOU STAY FOCUSED FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS OR DO YOU HAVE A.D.D. !?  
  
Sango screams randomly.  
  
Sango: GET AWAY FROM ME, PERVERT!!! Hentai on the loose!!! Keep the women and children inside!!! Run for the hills!!! Don't look back!!! Get away from this area!!! Exorcisms may be needed!!! (Runs to the opposite side of circle)   
  
Everyone in the outside of the circle moves away from the space where Sango had been standing. Shippo was left standing all alone in a big empty space.  
  
Shippo: I just wanted to know if she had any hard candy. . .(Starts to cry like one of his acorns)  
  
Lirimaer: DON'T CRY!! I have some candy. (Runs over and picks up the crying kitsune) Here. (Hands him a piece of root beer hard candy)  
  
Shippo: Thank you! Thank you!   
  
Lirimaer: You're welcome.  
  
Kikyo: (sighing) He's so cute. I want a kitsune as a pet!!!! Or a baby!!!!  
  
Lirimaer: If you and Inuyasha hadn't fallen into that trap…  
  
Inuyasha: It wasn't our fault!!  
  
Kikyo: Exactly!   
  
Lirimaer: I know that it wasn't. It was… (scans the crowd for a face)…His fault!!! (points to Naraku) How did you set up that plan any way?   
  
~*~ 1 explanation later ~*~  
  
Naraku: …And that folks, is how I came up with the brilliant scheme that ripped apart Kikyo and Inuyasha.  
  
Lirimaer: That was so beautiful…(wipes tears out of her eyes) And all for the love of a woman you could never have.  
  
All of the random villagers sigh with happiness.  
  
Inuyasha: I get it now.   
  
Kikyo: Same here. Now. I have a plan that will bring us back in time so that we can prevent these mistakes. I took careful notes on everything that we did wrong. (holds up a huge pile of papers)  
  
Lirimaer: You're gonna hafta go back pretty far, you know that, right?  
  
Kagome: NO! If you don't get into that fight I won't be alive! I will have no soul to be the reincarnation of!!  
  
Lirimaer: By all means Kikyo, if you need help with that spell don't hesitate to ask. I will bring some of my girlie-sleepover stuff and we can stay up all night talking about boys, spells, make-up, and tons of other stuff!  
  
Kikyo: OK! We can work on your spell, too! I have to learn the spell! I need to turn Jaken into a real toad. I feel so guilty for him becoming a toad demon. It was my fault in the first place.  
  
Jaken appears out of no where. (As far as everyone could tell)  
  
Jaken: You should be, darn it! I had just finished my new pond house too! That lake was just getting too crowded for me. (walks away complaining about all the grief that Kikyo had caused him)  
  
Lirimaer looks around for Kagome after confirming a spell sleepover date with Kikyo.  
  
Lirimaer: Where'd Kagome go?  
  
Inuyasha: You won. She left around the time that you and Kikyo rejected May 30th.   
  
Lirimaer starts swinging Shippo around and cast starts to rejoice at the 'loss' of Kagome.  
  
Lirimaer: I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I GET TO STAY!!!   
  
Shippo: Lirimaer? Can you stop? I'm getting kinda dizzy…  
  
Kagome's Disembodied Voice: YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS TIME, LIRIMAER, BUT YOU WON'T NEXT TIME.  
  
Lirimaer: Yes I will. Because by then me and my new best friend (does little Sailor Moon type best-friendy jump thing with Kikyo) will have perfected the Firewood/toad spell, not to mention the back-in-time spell.  
  
Kagome's Disembodied Voice: I WANT MY MOMMY! YOU STUPID ELFS WIN EVERYTHING!!  
  
Everyone stares at Lirimaer.  
  
Everyone: You're an ELF!?!   
  
Lirimaer: Actually, I've been meaning to tell you. . .   
  
TO BE CONTINUED. . . . 


	2. Part 2

Setting: Basically the same as last time (which was 2 weeks ago) only this time Lirimaer has gone into Goth mode. Wearing a black V-neck tee shirt that has some sparkles with a pair of black leather pants and chunky black fake leather high-heeled boots (aka hooker boots), she definitely did not play the part of the accused *Elf*. Her hair was once again down and she was wearing silver bracelets and silver rings in shapes that made you wonder what kind of indent they would make if you punched and/or slapped someone with them on. VERY intimidating next to Kagome, who had gone back into goody-two-shoes style and was wearing a yellow dress with pink flowers on it and had white slip-on sandals. The gold chain around her neck was the one that had once held the Shikon no Tama (now in Kikyo's possession under the eye of Lirimaer) and her ring was one of the cheap gold/aluminum alloy ones.  
  
Kagome: I have returned to claim my place back.  
  
Lirimaer: Okay. 1, you are completely wasting your time. 2, you are more importantly wasting mine. I have a date that I should be heading off to soon. (casts around a glance for a certain black haired male villain) 3, you don't look like you can handle the types of things that we are facing these days.  
  
Kagome: LIKE?  
  
Lirimaer: Like the three plant demons, the nine wolf youkai, and the five oni that we killed. That was just this morning. Would you like me to continue?   
  
Kagome: No, but I still think that you should have been disqualified form the *battle* because you didn't tell us that you were an Elf.  
  
Inuyasha: No one has been able to thoroughly prove that she is an Elf because the only person that knows for a fact doesn't wish to get involved with it.   
  
Sessho-maru: Darn right I don't! Why should I get involved in something that will only cause me to do something that I will regret?  
  
Inuyasha: *Have* you ever done something that you regret today?  
  
Sessho-maru: Let's not get into the details right now. Maybe later.  
  
Kikyo: I know as well, but I was told not to get involved for my own safety's sake.  
  
Lirimaer: Correct.  
  
Kagome: Well, hasn't anyone seen her ears when the wind has blown or when she is sleeping?  
  
Kagura: She sleeps alone and I have kindly stopped all of the winds per request of my father.  
  
Lirimaer: WHO has yet to show up for our date. I don't have my life to waste sitting on my butt waiting for him.   
  
Kagome: YOU ARE DATING NARAKU? [keels over with laughter]  
  
Lirimaer: He is a very sensitive, gentle man underneath the façade of his which makes him appear cold, cruel and in love with the different concepts of torture.  
  
Kikyo: I thought that they would be perfect for each other.  
  
Inuyasha: I think that that is the one thing that you have done right since you were brought back.  
  
Naraku: [appearing very out of breathe] Lirimaer, I am here. *gasp* Kanna refused to stay home. *gasp/rapid inhale-exhale* What did I miss? *rapid inhale-exhale*   
  
Jaken suddenly appears  
  
Jaken: Have you witches perfected that spell yet?  
  
Lirimaer: Where did you come from?  
  
Jaken: Never mind that. Have you or have you not finished that spell?  
  
Kikyo: We finished it, but it is only temporary.   
  
Lirimaer: It still needs some fine-tuning. Give me about a week.  
  
Jaken: That's what you said two weeks ago. [walks off grumbling about incompetent witches and their inability to perfect spells]  
  
Lirimaer: Well. That was odd. But Naraku, you and are going to be late if we don't hurry up.  
  
Miroku: ( voice dripping with sarcasm) How sweet. One of my new friends is dating the man and/or thing that I have abhorred all of my life. Ironic the way that things work out these days, isn't it?  
  
Inuyasha: You are just jealous that I have managed to make Kikyo my girlfriend and Sango won't give you the time of day.  
  
Miroku: Wanna make something of it, punk?  
  
Inuyasha: Not really. . . . I, too, have a date.  
  
Miroku: Rub it in why don't you?  
  
Inuyasha & Naraku: Oh, we will. Don't you worry about that.  
  
The two stare at each other in mortification.   
  
Kikyo: Did you just say the exact same thing?  
  
Lirimaer: I knew it! They are really brothers that were separated at birth for reasons unknown!  
  
Sessho-maru: (sounding greatly amused) More like they are such enemies that they are really more like best friends.  
  
Lirimaer: I never thought of that one. . . . . (sits down to think about that aspect of the situation)  
  
Kagome: (talking to the heavens) AM I NEVER GOING TO GET THIS FIXED??  
  
Random Villager: No.  
  
Kagome: SHUT UP WHY DON'T YOU!!! (stalks off looking like she is ready to bite off someone's head)  
  
Hojo: Hi, Kagome. Do you want to go to th-- (Kagome bit his head off, literally)  
  
Lirimaer: (sounding a little more cheerful then normal) Well, that takes care of that little annoyance, doesn't it?  
  
Kikyo: I have yet to figure out what makes you so d*mn happy about bloodshed and death.  
  
Naraku: That is one of the things that made me fall in love with her.  
  
Lirimaer: I'm glad. (her and Naraku walk off arm-in-arm)  
  
Inuyasha: Shall we? (offers arm to Kikyo)  
  
Kikyo: But of course. (takes his arm)  
  
As they walk off into the sunset with Naraku and Lirimaer, the rest of the crowd dissolves and goes home, whispering about how sweet the two couples look together.  
  
THE END 


End file.
